12:12 am - Thinking about pain... and the way we find our own rushes...
Reading my GF's journal
about her entry on cutting... It makes me think, long and hard, about the topic.
You better lose yourself in the music,
The moment, you want it!
You better never let it go!
You only get one chance,
Do not miss your chance to glow!
`Cause opportunity shows once in a lifetime, Yo!
You could say I cut... but on the inside. I run myself ragged, to the point of pain in my joints and muscles and till I can barely take my clothes off before literally crawling into bed sometimes... anyone that's seen me at a Convention can generally attest to this.
I do it for much the same reason as Mira takes blade to flesh... draws forth the red ichor inside to taint her bath... To forget, to lose myself... much like some would choose alchohol, or marijuana, or heroin... I choose adrenaline and endorphins... as potent as speed and opium, because they are much the same... but free, and supposedly safe. Right?
But how, really, is there any difference between the runner that takes to the road for ten hours at one stretch... to Jimi Hendrix that would use crazy glue to put his fingers back together to keep playing... to someone that can willingly... inch by inch... slide a knife through their own hands and arms and feet and legs?
And believe it or not, I'm not speaking of Mira... but myself with that last thought... *sighs, shakes head* It's a lonely road... and an even stranger thing to call it faith... but in the end, perhaps that's what it is? Not a faith like a religion, or to a loved one... but a faith in something concrete, a sensation that can be duplicated, no matter what... a state of mind attainable despite anything else... a way of proving that there is still that measure of control, that it's not all a roll of the dice.
And yes, I know this isn't anything groundbreaking... but it's never been something I've had a reason to contemplate... to understand and embrace with understanding before... because it was just me that did it, not someone I care about so deeply...
Yeah... I rely too much on external emotions to fuel myself, I know. It's how I hide and deal with my own bipolar leanings... I hunt out emotions to counter those I feel inside... thrive on them almost, use them to slow and speed my own... It's not that I'm cold-hearted, but much like the like-named cold-blooded reptiles... I lack some vital bit to let me regulate my own emotions sometimes.
And on that note... I'm going to go sleep now. =^.^=0 comments